I have never been more proud of being a Bank of America customer than I am today. I say this because today they announced that starting soon, they will be charging customers $5 a month to use their debit cards. You see, starting Oct. 1, a government regulation will be put in place that will cap the fees that banks can collect from merchants whenever customers swipe their debit cards. In layman's terms, it's going from "Super-duper high" to merely "Super high". Seeing as how their avarice would not let them get away with not making quite as much money as they did before, they came up with a pretty sweet way of having that not happen. 
     This is all well and good, but what I really want to congratulate them on is their ability to read the American public. They took a look down at the great, unwashed masses below and realized that these are people who clearly are really excited at the prospect of giving away even more money from their practically overflowing bank accounts to the exact people who helped lead them to near financial ruin. Everywhere you look you can see that the economy is booming, jobs are plentiful and everyone is just doing great. Obviously, giving away an extra $60 a year that would have just gone to pay for another one of those Brookstone automated foot massagers is a great idea. I mean, it's not like we all need a FOURTH one of those, right. 
     Well done, Bank of America. You are clearly a great cultural thermometer. Our nation's anger and distrust put in monetary form? That''s the mercury that fills you .
     Anyone have any other banks they like?  

     Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new Year. 
I'm no expert on Jewish culture, however, If there are non-jews who out there who are curious about exactly what goes down during the Rosh Hashanah ceremonies, I can tell you that they are shrouded in mystery. As far as I know, there is only one known example of how Jews celebrate their new year.

This is it: 
     Trust me, you don't even want to know what goes down for Yom Kippur.

Have a good'n everybody.
     I am so mad today I can hardly stand it. 
     It's been a terrible week for justice all around. Sometimes when I say something as casually grandiose as that I am referring to something related to an actual justice system of some kind, while sometimes it's something more related to karma. I am sad to report that this week, it is both.
    All three of the things I am thinking about are things that I have already talked about on here, but they've all taken turns for the worse in the last few days and I felt a need to share all the bad news with you all. What can I say, I'm a giver.
     First is the sad story of Troy Davis. Davis is a black man who was accused of killing a Georgia police officer. He was sentenced to death twenty years ago. Over the last few decades the police were never able to find a murder weapon, DNA evidence was inconclusive and seven of the nine witnesses retracted their testimonies out of fear or retribution from the real killer. Despite all of this, his appeals eventually ran out and Tuesday night, he was executed.
     Next is the sad story of Kelly Thomas, a poor, schizophrenic, homeless man from Fullerton, CA who was beaten to death by police officers back in July. Last week, one of the police officers who killed him was charged with one count of second degree murder and one count of involuntary manslaughter and another was charged with one count of involuntary manslaughter and one count of excessive force. Despite this, his Father is not satisfied and is demanding stiffer charges and the indictments of more of the involved officers.   
     Finally, we've got Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, two UC Berkeley grad students who were arrested by the Iranian government when they wandered over the border from Iraq on a hiking trip. They were just released from their imprisonment in Iran when the US government paid them one million dollars in bail.       
     Each one of these things is wrong. 
If this world made any sense, none of these things would be happening. 
     Troy Davis should been granted a new trial, or, at the very least, a stay of execution. At the behest of Jimmy Carter, Desmond Tutu and Pope Benedict XVI amongst countless others, the Supreme Court had a chance to put an end to this insanity, but did not upon finding out that it in no way involved passing laws that would help corporations cut our country up a little neater amongst themselves. I find it impossible to believe that if Troy Davis was a white guy that this kind of thing could possibly happen. I'm actually a person who is not completely against the death penalty. I think it's a fairly barbaric and all, still, having seen 1997's "Batman & Robin", I can't say that there aren't a few people in the world who deserve to be killed. I am quite sure, however, that Troy Davis is not one of those people (Just to make sure, I checked to see if he was in any way involved with either of those new "Fantastic Four" movies. 
He wasn't.
     Kelly Thomas is a significantly more complex story. It's a shame that the guy was killed and it certainly sounds like the officers who are responsible deserve punishment. I can't say much about it, however, because I wasn't there at the time. Do you know who else wasn't there? Kelly Thomas' father, Ron Thomas. Listening to this guy talk about how he wants to personally kill the police who killed his son might make you forget that this is the same former officer who let his son become a deeply troubled homeless man with dirt for clothes in the first place. Kelly Thomas seems like a sad figure and I sincerely hope that justice is eventually served in this case. Real justice, not angry mob justice in the form of political pressure. Despite this, Kelly Thomas' father is being such an annoyance and, dare I say, inappropriate, that I really wish that he'd leave the whole situation alone for a while. If for no other reason, then because it might finally give us all perspective on the whole tragic incident.   
     Finally, those two assholes in Iran. After writing last month about how there isn't a dank and horrid enough prison for people  who are as willfully unrealistic about life as they are, now they are back in the US. Not only are they back in the US, they are doing the press junket about their horrific experience. You know what I think is a horrific experience? Having to listen to those guys trying to rend my sympathy from my cold, dead hands. We know you had a bad time, that's what Iranian prisons are for, especially if you're a pair of Berkeley grad students who thought the best thing you could do with your time would be to go hiking in Iraq near the Iranian border. Hopefully, some lesson has been learned somewhere in this country of ours. Maybe even from those guys who were thrown in jail, but I highly doubt it in their case. They're clearly too far down the "Citizen of humanity" rabbit hole for that. They'll be annoying others by trying to get them to sign petitions in front of Whole Foods in no time flat. To make matters worse, I realize that a million dollars is a proverbial drop in the bucket, but think of all the useful, productive stuff that that money could have been spent on instead of freeing a pair of schmucks from their much-deserved, shall we say, "time abroad". I really hope that these guys really are the spies that the Iranians claimed that they were in the first place. "Self-important Berkeley trust fun babies on a path of self-discovery" is not the best cover I've ever heard, but it could be worse. 
     To summarize, the country is a worse place than it was a week ago. The innocent (probably) are punished, the guilty (probably) are free and the annoying (absolutely) are free to run wild, sharing the traumatic experiences that they themselves created.
     I just don't understand people and I'm starting to think I never will.

Oh, well. At least Michael Vick got his wrist broken by the Giants. That's pretty cool.

All the best to you.
     I don't care who you are or what you've done, if you've never spent several hours watching something trivial on TV and eating a bowl of shredded cheese like it was Big League Chew, then you're not really living.
At best, you're surviving, and even that's debatable.

     The more I hear about soccer in the US, the more I think that being really into it is like wearing a speedo on the beach. If you're from Europe or South America and it's part of you're culture, go nuts. It's part of who you are and when it happens, we'll all do everything we can to not snicker at you behind your back, which is especially difficult considering the view from the back.
     If you're an American, however, you are just trying to get the attention of the rest of us. We get it, you're different. Really, that's great. Now take your pet ferret or pot-bellied pig or whatever, hop on your recumbent bicycle and vegan yourself out of here.....
..... I've got steak and donuts to eat and beer to drink. Plus, the Giant's game is on. Got to watch some football. 

You know, good, old-fashioned American, heterosexual FOOTBALL.  

On this day in 1957 (Or 1958, depending on who you believe) forces greater than all of us created Jennifer Tilly
..... and it was good.

Happy Tilly day. God bless us, every one!

As an added bonus, here's a great scene than she is not the focal point of, but helps along greatly.
     This really needs no explanation.
     This is probably my favorite story of all time. I can't imagine very many ways that this story could be better. Well, there are a few, but I'll get to that in a minute. 
     In his new biography of Sarah Palin, Joe McGinniss claims that in her early 20's, she banged future NBA star Glen Rice when he was a Junior at Michigan. Rice was playing in a tournament in Alaska and Palin was a sports reporter for an Anchorage TV station. Allegedly, It was a one night stand and the two have not seen each other since.
     I'm going to be completely blunt at this point in the post, so if you want to stop reading, I completely understand: There is nothing about this story that does not make me want to jerk off. Nothing. I especially like the parts that most people at this point in our society would look down upon, like Palin's haircut and the concept of a cub reporter getting down with the star player (Face facts, Loy Vaught) of the team she was covering. 
     If I spent any of my free time writing Sarah Palin sexual fantasy fan-fiction, which I have never done, but have totally considered, this story is probably one of the very first things that I would have concocted in my admittedly filthy brain. It shows her underhanded tactics at a young age, while also involving some hot, hot, hot interracial sexing. Add in the fact that he was 20 at the time and still in college and she was 24 and already on her quest for world domination and you've got enough jack shack material to keep me locked in a private room from now until Thanksgiving.
     Most importantly, I firmly believe that the story is true. It broke to the media almost 24 hours ago and, as far as I know, she has yet to say anything about it (Rice, to his credit, has already confirmed it). When she eventually does address it, I am sure she'll deny it. I mean, seriously, she has to. If there is one thing that I love about Sarah Palin, besides her super-hotness, it's her super-dumbness. You know those comedy bits where someone takes audio pieces and cuts them together to make it sound like a person is saying something completely different than what they're actually saying? Sure you do, here's one for Pat Robertson:     

     Sure it's funny, but it does not quite sound right because Pat Robertson, shit-head that he might be, does not sound like this. Now, take a listen to what normal, un-doctored Sarah Palin sounds like:
     It's pretty much the same thing as a fake, mashed-up version, right?
Anyway, the thing that makes this whole thing all kinds of awesome is the fact that she really has no way of getting out of this without getting rid of a whole bunch of her supporters. It's not like we're talking about Florida Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz here (and if we were, who would care?). This is Sarah Palin for Jesus sake, which is exactly why there is going to be hell to pay. This is the downside of having a fan-base that consists almost entirely of narrow-minded, uneducated, older white racists. As a rule, they have been really quick to come to her defense every time she has played the victim card up until this point. Since she first sauntered into the national stage they have always looked at her like their daughter. Granted, their daughter that they wanted to lift up the skirt of and bend over a sink, but still their daughter nonetheless (Don't forget, this is a demographic rife with incest). She's totally screwed with this one, and not in the good, emotionless, youthful interracial indiscretion kind of way. These people have little to believe in other than that Larry the Cable Guy is this generations Noel Coward and that non-white people are destroying this country. How is she going to explain this to them? They're going to react the exact same way they did when their real-life daughter, who is much fatter and uglier but with no better a hold of the English language, admitted to sleeping with a black guy. Things are not going to go well in that trailer park, let me tell you. Of course, it was good of her to warn their parents before a REALLY awkward few moments in the delivery room.
     Granted, this story is not perfect for a few reasons. Number one, she would not be married to Todd Palin for another year or so. Plus, we'll probably never have conformation that they were listening to Public Enemy's album "YO, Bum Rush the Show" when they got down to it, although I'm just going to assume it. Also, she banged JUST Glen Rice. If Terry Mills was also there and they were giving her the Wolverine-style DP, then we'd really be getting somewhere. 
Right Terry?   

     Still, this story is still better than any other one I could ever possibly imagine involving Sarah Palin. I'm so glad that all of my suicide attempts failed, because a story like this just makes life worth living. Did you folks know that Scarlett Johansson had naked pictures of herself leaked on the internet today? I did, and because of this story, I barely care about them. Thats how much I love everything about this story.
Of course... if there was some way to combine those two events....
Uhh,,, I've got to go.... something just came up. 
     The Sam Kinison impersonator wearing the lime green bed-sheet is named Kinde Durkee. She's a Burbank-based Democratic Campaign Treasurer. 
... She's also a total crook.
    Being in control of over 400 separate accounts from such prominent Democrats as Diane Feinstein and Loretta Sanchez was clearly too much green for her to withstand. Incidentally, this photo of her has too much green for ME to withstand, but I digress.
     At some point, she began to use these accounts to pay off her credit cards, her mortgage, her trips to Costco and the like. She was arrested for these crimes earlier this month and the charges against her are being compiled. This whole thing really annoys me for several reasons. Mainly because, as delusional as it sounds, I've always thought that one of the only things that Democrats have going for them is their decreased number of people who are so money hungry that they are willing to screw over their fellow man to get it. That is money that was supposed to be used to keep sissy, ineffectual Democrats in power so that they can shuffle their feet and give long-winded, mediocre speeches before capitulating and giving the Republicans everything they want. That money was not meant to be wasted on food and housing, lady. Get with it. 
     I guess there's the possibility that Kinde Durkee has actually just been a republican operative this whole time and has been bringing down the entire organization from the inside. Lord knows that's not something that they are too classy for. If so, then I've got to admit that she's pretty awesome. I've said it many times before: I hate stupid, but I respect evil. 
     The main lesson to take away form all of this is simple: Never trust your money to someone named Kinde Durkee. It's just too ridiculous a name to be left in charge of anything other than a whimsical children's field trip or, possibly, a Teacup ride at Disneyland. 
    Finally, and worst of all, with that last name to throw around over a Fox News, they officially have every sound bit they need to string together to make their entire station sound like this all day: