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     I've been hearing a lot recently about this documentary called "Beats Rhymes & Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest". For those of you who are too young to remember, "A Tribe Called Quest" was a rap group in the early 90's. They weren't particularly "Gangster". Their songs were relatively positive. They wore that kind of hippy-rap clothing that became popular at the time. To summarize, much like the marajuana that permiated their every pore, they were a gateway drug to rap for pseudo-intellectual white kids. They were the preferred music to listen to if you were white and had just gotten your "sag your oversized pants and wear your baseball hat sideways" learner's permit. Trying to approximate the number of lanyard and Doc Martin-clad white girls who had their first interracial experience while the album "People's instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm" played would drive the most seasoned statistician insane. They would soon spawn similar acts of questionable talent, from Arrested Development and Jurassic 5 right up to the Talib Kweli's of today. Despite this, they were a talented group of guys and you can't really dismiss them purely based on the delusions of their fair haired, funkless fans. With that in mind, I am writing to make a personal plea to you all. Hear me out:
     There is a great theatre chain here in Los Angeles called "The Arclight". They wage warfare against the increasingly pervasive bad theatre-going experience. One of the great things that they do is offer "21 and over" screenings in an attempt to weed out the teenage riff-raf. Here is my proposal: A series of "No Whites Allowed" screenings. The last thing a black couple out on a date (who actually understand what that group is saying) needs is some private-school honkey exclaiming "YE-YEAH!" at any point, or later referring to it as "Dope".  Perhaps the solution is thus:  two screenings going on at the same time, with a sign in between them to differentiate.


One kind of like this: 

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     Yeah, with a few tweaks, that could be just the ticket. So essentially, what I'm saying is that the best way to end racism is to bring back segregation. 


     If you're white and reading this I have something very important to tell you. Something important.
Ready?
     You're lame. You might not be the lamest person on Earth or anything, but chances are, if there is a black person near you, that person is cooler than you. Why do you think Nick Fury is so much cooler now than he was ten years ago? It ain't the haircut. 
Wait until the movie is out on DVD or something. You hear me, honkey? I don't want your kind at the theatre. Director Michael Rapaport would be OK with that. Wait.. He's what? Oh, good god.


That's the scenario: