The more I learn about about this debt ceiling situation, the more ridiculous I think it all is. Let me pull a few fruits off the metaphor tree all at once to try to explain it from my perspective: The American people are your average morphine addicted child prostitute, lulling in and out of consciousness with every slight gyration. The Democrats are our pimp, who is technically looking out for us, but still is using our supple, nubile orafices as their main source of income. The Republicans are our regular, experienced John, making every possible effort and, frankly, really looking forward to screwing us brutally and without remorse. Just outside our creaky bedroom door, there is a negotiation going on which will determine exactly how harsh our impending violation will be. The Republicans want to use their switchblade to cut us up a bit (It's the only way they can get off at this point), which will really effect our ability to make any more money in the near future. The Democrats are trying to negotiate so we merely get a black eye and maybe, maybe, lose a tooth or two. You see, the Democrats don't want to see us get all cut up. However, even though we're their whore, they're a really shitty pimp. They are nothing compared to the fun-loving, effective pimps we grew up loving. Where are the Dolemite's of the political world now? What good is a sissy of a pimp? Well, we'll find out by Tuesday, won't we?
In the absence of any real protection, the Republicans are going to barge in, get their jollies stretching us out like a sock puppet, cutting us up a bit and leaving a few modest coins on the dresser. There's really nothing we can do about it at this point, either. As a people, we tend to have very fleeting moments of lucidity between jackhammerings. Let's hope we don't have one anytime soon. The last thing I want is to be awake for any of this. I just hope the Democrats get us a nice teddybear afterward or take us out for some ice cream to go with the mouthwash and ice packs.
Daddy loves us.
Clearly, this is the pimp we need and we need him ten minutes ago.