Tonight I had a horrible nightmare. I jumped out of a plane and thought for a few brief, delusional moments that I could fly. I am well aware that I can't actually fly. That it violates every rule of evolution and nature and all, but just go with me on this. For a few seconds, I thought that I could fly. Anyway, a few moments later the gravity of the situation set in (both literally and figuratively) and I remembered that, delusions aside, I can't really fly.
I started to fall to the Earth at a blinding speed.
No parachute, no jet pack, none of those nifty surfboards that you see extreme sports guys flying around in sometimes. Not a downward spiral, there was no spiral to speak of. This was pure downward. Unfettered velocity sending me quicker and quicker toward an extravagant and messy landing.
Nothing could stop this from happening at this point. It's just the way that things are. I should not have jumped out of the plane in the first place. Then, I was delusional enough to believe the false hope that I was actually going to be okay doing so. In a way, it was almost a relief when reality set in and I was allowed to plunge to my inevitable and, dare I say, logical demise. It's the way of things. Always has been, always will be. The insane part was that bit when I thought that I could somehow keep it from happening.
Know what the worst part is?
Turns out that I wasn't really dreaming at all....
I'm just a Los Angeles Clippers fan.
This is probably my favorite story of all time. I can't imagine very many ways that this story could be better. Well, there are a few, but I'll get to that in a minute.
In his new biography of Sarah Palin, Joe McGinniss claims that in her early 20's, she banged future NBA star Glen Rice when he was a Junior at Michigan. Rice was playing in a tournament in Alaska and Palin was a sports reporter for an Anchorage TV station. Allegedly, It was a one night stand and the two have not seen each other since.
I'm going to be completely blunt at this point in the post, so if you want to stop reading, I completely understand: There is nothing about this story that does not make me want to jerk off. Nothing. I especially like the parts that most people at this point in our society would look down upon, like Palin's haircut and the concept of a cub reporter getting down with the star player (Face facts, Loy Vaught) of the team she was covering.
If I spent any of my free time writing Sarah Palin sexual fantasy fan-fiction, which I have never done, but have totally considered, this story is probably one of the very first things that I would have concocted in my admittedly filthy brain. It shows her underhanded tactics at a young age, while also involving some hot, hot, hot interracial sexing. Add in the fact that he was 20 at the time and still in college and she was 24 and already on her quest for world domination and you've got enough jack shack material to keep me locked in a private room from now until Thanksgiving.
Most importantly, I firmly believe that the story is true. It broke to the media almost 24 hours ago and, as far as I know, she has yet to say anything about it (Rice, to his credit, has already confirmed it). When she eventually does address it, I am sure she'll deny it. I mean, seriously, she has to. If there is one thing that I love about Sarah Palin, besides her super-hotness, it's her super-dumbness. You know those comedy bits where someone takes audio pieces and cuts them together to make it sound like a person is saying something completely different than what they're actually saying? Sure you do, here's one for Pat Robertson:
Sure it's funny, but it does not quite sound right because Pat Robertson, shit-head that he might be, does not sound like this. Now, take a listen to what normal, un-doctored Sarah Palin sounds like:
It's pretty much the same thing as a fake, mashed-up version, right?
Anyway, the thing that makes this whole thing all kinds of awesome is the fact that she really has no way of getting out of this without getting rid of a whole bunch of her supporters. It's not like we're talking about Florida Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz here (and if we were, who would care?). This is Sarah Palin for Jesus sake, which is exactly why there is going to be hell to pay. This is the downside of having a fan-base that consists almost entirely of narrow-minded, uneducated, older white racists. As a rule, they have been really quick to come to her defense every time she has played the victim card up until this point. Since she first sauntered into the national stage they have always looked at her like their daughter. Granted, their daughter that they wanted to lift up the skirt of and bend over a sink, but still their daughter nonetheless (Don't forget, this is a demographic rife with incest). She's totally screwed with this one, and not in the good, emotionless, youthful interracial indiscretion kind of way. These people have little to believe in other than that Larry the Cable Guy is this generations Noel Coward and that non-white people are destroying this country. How is she going to explain this to them? They're going to react the exact same way they did when their real-life daughter, who is much fatter and uglier but with no better a hold of the English language, admitted to sleeping with a black guy. Things are not going to go well in that trailer park, let me tell you. Of course, it was good of her to warn their parents before a REALLY awkward few moments in the delivery room.
Granted, this story is not perfect for a few reasons. Number one, she would not be married to Todd Palin for another year or so. Plus, we'll probably never have conformation that they were listening to Public Enemy's album "YO, Bum Rush the Show" when they got down to it, although I'm just going to assume it. Also, she banged JUST Glen Rice. If Terry Mills was also there and they were giving her the Wolverine-style DP, then we'd really be getting somewhere.
Still, this story is still better than any other one I could ever possibly imagine involving Sarah Palin. I'm so glad that all of my suicide attempts failed, because a story like this just makes life worth living. Did you folks know that Scarlett Johansson had naked pictures of herself leaked on the internet today? I did, and because of this story, I barely care about them. Thats how much I love everything about this story.
Of course... if there was some way to combine those two events....
Uhh,,, I've got to go.... something just came up.
This is Gilbert Arenas. He's a three-time All-star. He's a former winner of the NBA's Most Improved Player award. He's the fifth highest paid player in the league...
and we all owe him an apology.
Gilbert, or as nobody really calls him, "Agent Zero" (This picture will probably tell you why) was a 2nd round pick in the 2001 draft. Not much was expected from the combo guard and it was considered a bit of a surprise when he turned out to be a much better player than his draft position foretold. Like most people raised in the San Fernando Valley who attain success, Arenas is a bit of a loud mouth and self promoter. In the sports world, as in many, this is the kind of thing that makes you friends and enemies simultaneously. Arenas made this even more of the case when long stretches is inspired play were interrupted by long stretches of injury. In the summer before the '08-'09 season, he signed a six-year, $111 million dollar contract with the Washington Wizards. The next year, one in which he was paid more money than you or I will ever see, he played a grand total of two games. Two. I am pretty sure that no human being in history has ever made that much money for that little work. I might be wrong, however. I know very little about making money, which is one of the main reasons I am writing this blog. Anyway, the point is that anyone that talented who talks that much trash and makes that much money to play that little all while in the public eye is going to be a lightning rod for something at some point...
So, lets talk about weapons charges, shall we?
In January of last year, there was an incident in the Wizards locker room. Arenas and his backup guard, Javaris Crettenton, had what reporters and county clerks like to refer to as "An exchange of words" and the rest of us like to refer to as "Two overpaid thugs waving their egos at each other". It started with a discussion about one owing gambling debts to the other (While we're talking about good life decisions) and ended with them brandishing weapons at one another. Now, in the parlance of our modern culture, you know exactly what kind of weapons I am talking about. As entertaining as the concept of two NBA players engaging in mortal combat with a pair of tridents and short swords are, of course I am talking about guns. For some strange reason, both the league and the city of Washington took issue with the fact that these millionaires were keeping guns in their lockers and both players were suspended for the rest of the year. It was a step forward for the NBA coming to grips with the fact that many of their players were out of control. It was a step back, however, for the Wizards backcourt.
Remember this whole gun thing, it's going to come back later.
During this incident, Gilbert Arenas name, face, and loud, garish suits were everywhere that sports news could possibly be. Sports media, always the upstanding bastion of well-thought out ideas and intelligent, reasoned conversation, could talk about little else. The phrase is "Pride goeth before the fall". For Gilbert Arenas, the pride had long goeth, now was time for the fall. After he apologized, apologized and apologized again, eventually he returned to the Wizards, who were still contractually obligated to pay him several more years of his outlandish money. The irony being that by the time he was back, his team had absolutely no need for him. Due mostly to his antics, the Wizards had a fire sale near the end of the last season, trading away their good, veteran players and stockpiling draft picks. This resulted in a season that ended so badly that they won the draft lottery, got the first pick and used said pick to take John Wall, an excellent young player who did exactly what Arenas did on the court, but at 1/5th the price and a dramatically lowered chance of injury or felony. After a short period, Gilbert Arenas and his terrible contract, arguably the worst in the NBA, were traded for Rashard Lewis and HIS terrible contract, arguably the 2nd worst in the NBA. In laymens terms, the Wizards were married to Rosie O'Donnell and decided to wife-swap with the Orlando Magic, who were married to Kathy Bates. Arenas is still in Orlando, a bit older, a bit slower, but a bit wiser and quieter. He seems authentically humbled by this entire experience and when his contract eventually (Forever for Magic fans) ends he will take his ungodly millions, awards and shoes manufactured by child laborers that bare his name and head off into the sunset.
Now, you might be wondering what happened to the OTHER guy involved in that John Woo-esque mexican standoff in the locker room. Now this part is interesting.
A free agent at seasons end, Javaris Crettenton was a not re-signed by the Wizards. With no team willing to take a chance on a guy with that kind of incident on his record, well, no team willing to take a chance on a guy who was not a STAR with that kind of incident on his record, Crittenton played in China for a bit and then in the D-League after that. Coming back to his hometown of Atlanta and clearly bored of not making a remarkable embarrassment of himself, Crittenton (Whose name I ALWAYS think I am spelling wrong) decided to correct that on August 26th. There is too much wrong with what I am about to describe to pick bits and pieces out during it, so I am just going to write it all down and we'll discuss afterward. Got it? Ok, here goes:
Apparently, Javaris Crittenton was approached by someone back in April who robbed him of $55,000 worth of jewelry that he was wearing. Thinking he saw this person, he began shooting at them. Missing, instead he shot and killed a 22 year-old mother of four.
Let all that sink in....
Now, we all make mistakes. just the other day I accidentally poured dog food in my dogs water dish, so I know all about how Javaris feels. However, this incident is the greatest example I have ever heard of someone not learning their lesson. Crittenton was no all-star, that was clear. but he was a serviceable enough player that I'm sure he would have found another team willing to take a chance on him at seasons end had he not seen it fit to carry a gun into an NBA locker room. By the way, in case you were wondering, those locker rooms are some of the most well-guarded places in the world that are not banks, federal reserves, of the place where Jerry Lewis keeps the only print of "The Day the Clown Cried". My point being, leave the gun at home, or at least in the glove compartment. Gotta protect those Escalade rims after all, huh classy? Another thing, that number was not a typo regarding the jewelry. Fifty-five thousand dollars. A MAN, wearing fifty-five thousand dollars of jewelry. You just know that it was classy stuff, too. It probably had his name written on it. How's the robber going to sell something like that?
Robber: "Oy, I hope I can find someone else with this meshuganah name".
By the way, lest anyone accuse me of racism, that last quote is a paraphrase. No man should own that much jewelry, least of all one who is in a career where the average player is done in five years and you already make just over league minimum. This whole wearing ladies earrings and necklaces-thing started with R. Kelly and it should stay with him. So should peeing on underage girls, but that's neither here of there. Well, it's certainly not here. For the convenience of any other NBA players reading this, I shall give you a list of acceptable places to wear that much jewelry:
1.) The Oscars
2.) Buckingham Palace
3.) A very nice Opera
Are you any of those places? No? Then leave 90% of that gaudy crap at home.
Of course, I'm assuming that Crittenton had several pieces stolen. I suppose it's possible that he might have just been wearing a Faberge Egg around his neck. If that's the case, I take back everything I said. That's classy.
One more thing about this guy. Anyone who ever saw him play knows that he can't shoot and all, but how bad a shot do you have to be to kill some woman in front of her place. Granted, shooting a 22 year-old mother of four in the projects in Atlanta is like shooting a lesbian at a K.D. Lang show, but show some control, will you? Side note: I can't help but wonder how many more children that woman would have had had she lived to a ripe old project-living age, like 43 or something. Could have been dozens. I guess we'll never know.
In summation, clearly, we all owe Gilbert Arenas an apology. He knew exactly what kind of guy he was dealing with and we did not. Pulling a gun on someone like that is just fighting fire with fire. Unless by some odd coincidence any of you know Javaris Crittenton, the only proof we have of the person he is are his actions and his actions are a violent, willful, almost tragic series of doing the wrong thing. He's going to jail for a long time and he deserves twice as much time as he's gonna get for one reason above all others...
.... because he was drafted by the Lakers?
NO, that's not the reason, but it is a good guess.
It's because he'll clearly never learn his lesson. If he was a baseball player, I'm sure he could find a way to strike out on one pitch.
While we're talking about other sports, I'd also just like to say that Michael Vick is a walking piece of shit, but that's a post for another day.
Ron Artest invented "Planking" when he laid down on that scorers table in Detroit. Immediately afterward, he invented "Run into stands and punch everyone". Well, he might not have invented that, but he certainly perfected it.