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     Let's be honest, it's been a pretty rough patch for most of us of late, hasn't it? Jobs, the environment, a Kevin James movie, there's been very little to laugh at or enjoy recently.
     That all ends now.
     Those bad times are about to take a sleek throwing knife blade to the chest because today is the Blu-ray release of one of the greatest films ever made, George P. Cosmatos's 1986 classic "Cobra". 
     "Cobra" is not so much FROM 1986 as much as it IS 1986. If anyone you know has no experience with awesomely kick-ass action movies from the era, you can just sit them down, show them "Cobra" and in a brisk 87 minutes they'll have a very complete overview of the genre. (For the record, if you actually DO know someone with no experience with this genre, there really is no reason to hang out with them, I don't care how good their weed OR blowjobs are).
     This is a movie that rips through genre cliches like film ripping through an ultra-high-speed photo-sonic camera. Just watch the first 15 minutes below in my graciously supplied link. Try and count them. Seriously, I bet you'll give up within a few minutes, There's just plain too many of them:

     How many'd you get? Plus, that's just the beginning bit. Later there's even more 80's insanity, much more. If fun 80's action is alcohol, this movie is moonshine. It is pure, distilled fun without the slightest tinge of restraint or self-awareness. Great villains whose motives remain bafflingly unexplained, attempts at humor that fail so badly you wonder how they ever made it to the screen for public consumption, musical montages set to Frank Stallone power ballads, it's all here.
     Of course, all of it is anchored by the indispensable Sylvester Stallone. For you young people out there reading this who are too young to remember, Stallone is the man who filled in for Ronald Reagan as President from March 30th, 1981 to February 13th, 1987. The actress Jodie Foster told her boy toy, a man named John Hinkley, to shoot Reagan and maim his aide, Jim Brady (Hinkley was a great shot). While Reagan healed and Brady magically transformed himself into a piece of legislature, the US agreed that VP George Bush was too much of a pussy to be President and we elected Sly Stallone instead. In his tenure as acting President, Stallone won the Vietnam war, Directed John Travolta in a Tony-Award-Winning musical called "Satan's Ally" and ended the cold war through boxing. Eventually, his attempt to push through legislation to make Arm Wrestling our national sport failed and he was recalled soon afterward by a newly healed, but permanently brain damaged Ronald Reagan. Ok, history lesson over. 
Back to "Cobra".      
     If all of that is not enough for you (And how could it not be) there is a scene in this movie where a gorgeous Brigitte Nielsen (Long before her current incarnation, which resembles an overweight Dirk Nowitzki with shorter hair with fake tits) dances around in a fashion shoot with sexy robots. Too good to believe? Check out this still: 
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     If you're not already watching this movie by now, you seriously need to reevaluate your priorities. Truly, there should be a hole in your wall shaped like you where you burst out of your place to go find a copy of this movie. Did I mention that it also contains my favorite DVD commentary of all time? Listen to it. It's positively... well... I guess the only word is mind-boggling. Does "Mind-boggling" count as one word?


     Like I said, other than Republican Billionaires, were all having a real bad time of it as of late. It's time to watch "Cobra" again and let the healing start. It's not the greatest movie from the 80's, but it is the greatest 80's movie.


Depression is a disease. He's the cure.