This is probably my favorite story of all time. I can't imagine very many ways that this story could be better. Well, there are a few, but I'll get to that in a minute. 
     In his new biography of Sarah Palin, Joe McGinniss claims that in her early 20's, she banged future NBA star Glen Rice when he was a Junior at Michigan. Rice was playing in a tournament in Alaska and Palin was a sports reporter for an Anchorage TV station. Allegedly, It was a one night stand and the two have not seen each other since.
     I'm going to be completely blunt at this point in the post, so if you want to stop reading, I completely understand: There is nothing about this story that does not make me want to jerk off. Nothing. I especially like the parts that most people at this point in our society would look down upon, like Palin's haircut and the concept of a cub reporter getting down with the star player (Face facts, Loy Vaught) of the team she was covering. 
     If I spent any of my free time writing Sarah Palin sexual fantasy fan-fiction, which I have never done, but have totally considered, this story is probably one of the very first things that I would have concocted in my admittedly filthy brain. It shows her underhanded tactics at a young age, while also involving some hot, hot, hot interracial sexing. Add in the fact that he was 20 at the time and still in college and she was 24 and already on her quest for world domination and you've got enough jack shack material to keep me locked in a private room from now until Thanksgiving.
     Most importantly, I firmly believe that the story is true. It broke to the media almost 24 hours ago and, as far as I know, she has yet to say anything about it (Rice, to his credit, has already confirmed it). When she eventually does address it, I am sure she'll deny it. I mean, seriously, she has to. If there is one thing that I love about Sarah Palin, besides her super-hotness, it's her super-dumbness. You know those comedy bits where someone takes audio pieces and cuts them together to make it sound like a person is saying something completely different than what they're actually saying? Sure you do, here's one for Pat Robertson:     

     Sure it's funny, but it does not quite sound right because Pat Robertson, shit-head that he might be, does not sound like this. Now, take a listen to what normal, un-doctored Sarah Palin sounds like:
     It's pretty much the same thing as a fake, mashed-up version, right?
Anyway, the thing that makes this whole thing all kinds of awesome is the fact that she really has no way of getting out of this without getting rid of a whole bunch of her supporters. It's not like we're talking about Florida Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz here (and if we were, who would care?). This is Sarah Palin for Jesus sake, which is exactly why there is going to be hell to pay. This is the downside of having a fan-base that consists almost entirely of narrow-minded, uneducated, older white racists. As a rule, they have been really quick to come to her defense every time she has played the victim card up until this point. Since she first sauntered into the national stage they have always looked at her like their daughter. Granted, their daughter that they wanted to lift up the skirt of and bend over a sink, but still their daughter nonetheless (Don't forget, this is a demographic rife with incest). She's totally screwed with this one, and not in the good, emotionless, youthful interracial indiscretion kind of way. These people have little to believe in other than that Larry the Cable Guy is this generations Noel Coward and that non-white people are destroying this country. How is she going to explain this to them? They're going to react the exact same way they did when their real-life daughter, who is much fatter and uglier but with no better a hold of the English language, admitted to sleeping with a black guy. Things are not going to go well in that trailer park, let me tell you. Of course, it was good of her to warn their parents before a REALLY awkward few moments in the delivery room.
     Granted, this story is not perfect for a few reasons. Number one, she would not be married to Todd Palin for another year or so. Plus, we'll probably never have conformation that they were listening to Public Enemy's album "YO, Bum Rush the Show" when they got down to it, although I'm just going to assume it. Also, she banged JUST Glen Rice. If Terry Mills was also there and they were giving her the Wolverine-style DP, then we'd really be getting somewhere. 
Right Terry?   

     Still, this story is still better than any other one I could ever possibly imagine involving Sarah Palin. I'm so glad that all of my suicide attempts failed, because a story like this just makes life worth living. Did you folks know that Scarlett Johansson had naked pictures of herself leaked on the internet today? I did, and because of this story, I barely care about them. Thats how much I love everything about this story.
Of course... if there was some way to combine those two events....
Uhh,,, I've got to go.... something just came up. 
     I think that I've officially decided that that I like things better when a Republican is president. That way there's no sense of false hope that things will work out for the country. It's more fun to watch the GOP take a flamethrower to everything I hold near and dear without some false pretense of someone putting up some kind of resistance. This way, it's like watching a movie or TV show where nobody is likable, so you don't have to waste your time rooting for anyone. 
     Which reminds me, I've been working on a blog post about "Entourage". Hopefully, it'll be up as soon as I can get the strength to finish it.
     The more I learn about about this debt ceiling situation, the more ridiculous I think it all is. Let me pull a few fruits off the metaphor tree all at once to try to explain it from my perspective: The American people are your average morphine addicted child prostitute, lulling in and out of consciousness with every slight gyration. The Democrats are our pimp, who is technically looking out for us, but still is using our supple, nubile orafices as their main source of income. The Republicans are our regular, experienced John, making every possible effort and, frankly, really looking forward to screwing us brutally and without remorse. Just outside our creaky bedroom door, there is a negotiation going on which will determine exactly how harsh our impending violation will be. The Republicans want to use their switchblade to cut us up a bit (It's the only way they can get off at this point), which will really effect our ability to make any more money in the near future. The Democrats are trying to negotiate so we merely get a black eye and maybe, maybe, lose a tooth or two. You see, the Democrats don't want to see us get all cut up. However, even though we're their whore, they're a really shitty pimp. They are nothing compared to the fun-loving, effective pimps we grew up loving. Where are the Dolemite's of the political world now? What good is a sissy of a pimp? Well, we'll find out by Tuesday, won't we?  
     In the absence of any real protection, the Republicans are going to barge in, get their jollies stretching us out like a sock puppet, cutting us up a bit and leaving a few modest coins on the dresser. There's really nothing we can do about it at this point, either. As a people, we tend to have very fleeting moments of lucidity between jackhammerings. Let's hope we don't have one anytime soon. The last thing I want is to be awake for any of this. I just hope the Democrats get us a nice teddybear afterward or take us out for some ice cream to go with the mouthwash and ice packs. 
Daddy loves us.   

Clearly, this is the pimp we need and we need him ten minutes ago.