Like almost every American male who is my approximate age, I spent the early 90's doing three things: Building up the courage to talk to girls, wondering if an Alien could beat up a Predator, and playing "Street Fighter 2". Mostly playing "Street Fighter 2". Well, here we are 20 years later, let's see how things are different.
Girls are easier to talk to, I guess. Both a bit of unavoidable experience and the fact that my hormones (And theirs) aren't going off like Pink Floyd laser light show probably have something to do with it.
The Alien Vs. Predator question was answered in 2004 by the movie called, of all things, "Alien Vs. Predator". A whole generation's curiosity was satiated by learning that fisticuffs between and Alien and Predator would end with a decisive victory for... well... jeez... I think it was... Lance Henriksen was there and... Look, I don't really remember at the moment, but you can look it up if you want. What, do I have to do everything for you?
Street Fighter 2, on the other hand, still both a joy and an enigma. For the uninitiated, Street Fighter 2 is a 2D fighting game where you play a character, your friend plays another character and you beat the crap out of each other. There's not a ton of strategy involved and it can be a tad monotonous, but what makes it so fun is the characters. Each playable character is from a different exotic nation and the game makers had the foresight to give them all very distinct visual motifs. Stereotypical as they may be, a fight between an Indian yoga master with the power to breathe fire and stretch his appendages verses a Spanish castilian with an iron mask and metal claws is a level of fun that borders in infinite.
It''s also the main reason why I find Ultimate Fighting supremely boring.
When UFC first started to enter the public's consciousness, spewing energy drinks and blaring rap-metal in it's wake, I was willing to give it a shot. It was, after all, mindless violence, which I think we can all agree is the best kind. People I knew who were taken in by it would give me all kinds of interesting tidbits about upcoming matches. "This guy trained in a Tibetan monastery for seven years and is the greatest grappler in the world." "This guy right here, he's trained in Brazilian capoeira which is rhythmic dancing mixed with martial arts." "This guy is a shootfighter.", "This guy grounds and pounds". "Etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah". You want to know what every single match looks like? I mean every... single... one?" It's the same two guys with shaved heads, bicycle shorts and cauliflower ears. They punch each other for a minute or two before, invariably, they fall to the floor and spend the remainder of the "Fight" rolling on the ground with one another. Want to know who wins? It's going to be the guy with the shaved head and the bicycle shorts and the cauliflower ears who is slightly less bloody than the other guy with the shaved head and the bicycle shorts and the cauliflower ears. This is not Blanka Vs. Zangief. Not Chun-Li Vs. Sagat? It's not even Ryu Vs. Ken. This is live gay porn for the masses.
It's an excuse by closeted, manly men to sit around, chug Rock Star Energy Drinks and watch two muscle bound guys wearing virtually nothing roll around in a cage and rub their spandex bulges up against one another.
Now don't get me wrong, dear reader, I've got absolutely nothing against gay porn. I believe that all (legal) porn should be treated as the lifeblood and cure-all to all of society's ills that it is. It's not my particular flavor, but that shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I've never been much of a strawberry ice cream fan either, it doesn't mean I judge someone who is eating it by calling them names from behind my vanilla sundae. Still, what's with all the subterfuge? You like watching dudes roll around with other dudes. That's totally cool and more power to you. I just can't see any reason to dress is up with all that other crap. It all just seems like such laughable overcompensation to me. Like a bunch of gay dudes trying to act straight in an glossy, Mountain Dew X-Treme kind of way. Give it a rest, fellas.
Two dudes making sweet, sweet love for the pleasure of an almost exclusively male audience, thats cool. Wearing "Tapout" brand clothing while spiking up you hair with products and shaving your chest? Now THAT'S gay. You want showmanship? watch WWE. You want fighting with real nuance and strategy? watch boxing. You want an erection? Watch ultimate fighting.
Thank you and goodnight.