The 2012 Iowa Republican caucus is happening tomorrow. As someone who revels is the very worst that humanity has to offer, I've found the entire experience of paying attention to the Republican candidates to be nothing short of a joy. It's like some kind of reality show to see who can say more things that I can't believe anyone would have the gall to say in public, much less in front of microphones, much less to applause. If there is one thing that this whole experience has reminded me of, it's that belief in antiquated superstitions will make people say and do some really, really horrible things. Things that you would have hoped our species would long have shunned on account of their proven counter-productivity. I hate stuff just as much, well, let's be honest, significantly more, that most people, but I don't hide behind some phony-baloney book of laws handed down thousands of years ago from a part of the world who's inhabitants I disdain in every other regard. Own up to your hate, folks. Go in commando. It feels better and you'll be thankful you did.
     Anyway, according to the latest polls, it appears to be a dead heat between Mitt Romney and Ron Paul to come out on top of this one. The Iowa caucus has a tradition of not picking the person who will eventually win the nomination, so it's really more of a "Pre-Season" game anyway, but I want to look at these front-runners for a moment from a slightly different perspective. The perspective of a peaceful town in the american old west called Rock Ridge.
     As featured in Mel Brooks fantastic cmoedy, "Blazing Saddles", Rock Ridge is a town of kindly but short-sighted and racist simpletons who we are meant to believe are all related. If this does not sound like the majority of the modern republican party, I don't know what does. Anyway, if you are someone who has not been paying attention to these candidates at all, first off, you are to be congratulated, secondly, allow me to explain the to leading candidates by their film counterparts. 
Willard "Mitt" Romney is a Mormon businessman and part-time former governor of Massachusetts. The majority of his vast, vast fortune was made buying smaller companies and making them more profitable by firing the work force and sending the jobs to third world countries to be handled by slave-labor. Anyone blessed with even a smidgen of intelligence who has ever seen him talk can tell that looking out for the poor and less fortunate isn't only not in his wheelhouse, it may very well literally have never occurred to him. Business people like him are are like wealth-amassing crackheads and the majority of their gains are every bit as fruitless. With that in mind, I present to you, Mr. Hedley Lamarr. Here he is talking to one of his like-minded advisors.   
     The other guy is Ron Paul. Ron Paul is a seventy-six year old congressman from Texas. He's a fun guy to watch on account of his ability to say things that don't always toe his party line. For example, unlike the other candidates, he seems to have absolutely no interest in bombing the shit out of brown people for both fun and profit. In fact, he seems dead set on ending most of America's nationalistic tendencies all together. Cool, huh? 
     However, before you head off and pull a lever for this guy (Boy, that sure SOUNDS dirty, even if it isn't), you should know that almost every other place in which he disagrees with his  party, his non-asshole policies are replaced with bat-shit crazy ones. He wants to end Medicare, Social Security and just about every other federally funded program there is. He was also responsible for printing a lot of racist rants in a newsletter of his in his several years ago. Plus, he's staunchly anti-abortion, which is always a deal-breaker for me. From a guy whose whole platform seems to be that people should take care of themselves, worry about their own and the guy next door can go screw, wanting to ban abortion sticks out like, well, I guess like a black guy at Ron Paul's Thanksgiving dinner table. With all this in mind, I'd like to introduce you to Gabby Johnson:  
     Yup, that pretty much says it all about Ron Paul.
     The fact that Obama had been a disappointment of "Phantom Menace" proportions and he's STILL probably going to get reelected due to the chumps that they're throwing at him is testament to how truly crazy this political season has been. 
Good luck, Iowa. You're gonna need it.

P.S. Of course I could not completely leave out a bit from Mongo, AKA Rick Perry:


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